Am I Ready?

I don't know.

Are you?

Big leaps, big risks. With no safety net, a misstep would be more than just a blunder. It'd be a huge fall and a huge fall would leave more than just a bruise.

But you can't get up if you've not fallen. You couldn't have walked without first crawling. You wouldn't be here if you knew where you should be.

You can't always be prepared.

You can't always be ready.

There is no crystal ball for you to peek into the future.

You just got to pick up the cards you've been dealt with and make the best hand out of them.

Sometimes, it's not about making the right decision or the wrong decision.

It's simply just making one.

Because it's in the making of the decision that you learn you were ready.

...While Sipping on Wine

What would you write about at this hour?

Blank slate. Blank mind.

Background music. Background noise.

I forget I can write. Better than most. Most that I know. Clearly not mixing with the "write" crowd.

Pressure. Low. High. None. Do you feel it? Not what I seek. Not what I need. Fear, on the other hand, can drive one to do the unimaginable. The unthinkable. The never thought possible, but achievable.

I'm a realist. An imaginist. A dreamer only when I'm asleep.

Because realists know better and dreamers only hope for better.

The real world awaits, with a plateful of politics and sour grapes.

The meeting of real people. The unfazed and the two-faced. The sincere and the queer. The rich and the bitch.

My nouveau chapitre begins now. And I will wait no more.

To be published. To be heard. Not be rubbished or be stirred.

This is my book. My story. My life.

So read between the lines...

Rmbr Rmbr

10.10.10
A day that happens once a millennium should not be lived like every other day.

It’s a day to meet new friends
It’s a day to make amends
It’s a day to be grateful
A day to appreciate to the full
It’s a day to reflect
It’s a day to recollect
A day to romanticize
A day to fantasize
So make this day momentous
Make it bodacious
Make it anything unlike today.

That, I must remember.

Red Balloon FTW!

'My something and something something something unhappy birthday.'
That's about how much Spanish I know.
But who cares what it says,
it's a RED BALLOON!

And btw,
HAPPY 10.10.10!

I Don't Run

No.

I was wrong.

I binge.

I hate my life.

Greener. Blacker. Whatever.

Every time I get this feeling of loneliness, I want to bolt. Run. Escape. To somewhere else, to some place far, to somewhere I feel I belong. A place where solitude doesn't exist and desolation is just a state of mind. A place where the lights shine brighter than the street lights of New York City. A place where dreams don't just seem possible but are.

We often say we can't help the way we feel but maybe we are fools to believe that. The moment we lose control of our feelings, they get the better of us and we become overwhelmed. Quite like standing on the beach when the waves come crashing in. Or in a room of a deserted, dilapidated building and the ceiling comes crashing down. Or in the middle of NYSE's traders floor and watching all the stocks go crashing.

Life's like that. More often than not, we get jumped when we turn a corner, we are caught off guard, unprepared to face the unexpected that's thrown at us. In a moment of panic, we do whatever our unconsciousness triggers us to do. A reflex. An impulse. A defence mechanism. Some cry. Some binge. Some commit suicide. I cut and run.

But maybe, it's about time to stop running from the unnerving and the awkward, stop thinking this unfamiliar feeling is familiar, stop pretending this lonesomeness is okay. Because only I know that it isn't. And only I know I can do something about it. And that is...

TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and over to the other side.

Because it IS greener. Blacker. Whatever.

9018

The last thing I was checking out online were Tiffany & Co. rings. I went to bed dreaming about going to the store, only to see a friend (let's name her Claire to avoid confusion) working there, and witnessed her pocket some earrings. *1st WTF moment* She showed me some rings but the scene gets fuzzy and transitions to another.

2nd Scene:
I'm now with another friend, Alice, at a mall of some sort. Outside the mall is a stage with a revolving platform. I've been here, in a previous dream. In the previous dream, I stood by the sides and watched yet another friend (we'll call her K-Mart) perform on stage. So this time I wasn't about to allow that to happen. Alice & I crashed the stage and we danced. It was fun. It was exciting. It was short lived. And this was why...

Next Scene: (Let's assume there's a platform that overlooks the stage from the 1st floor of the mall and that they had beefed up security on the ground floor of the stage and the stage's décor, be it a tree, or a circus tent, is as high as the 1st floor.)
Alice & I had climbed up the flight of stairs and are now on that platform. Alice is itching to crash the stage again and the only way is by jumping off the platform and onto the stage décor and sliding your way down onto the stage. (Let's now assume that the distance to jump is rather big.) I tried to dissuade Alice, but alas, she wouldn't listen as I saw her leap, and cling on to the décor for dear life. Her grip proved not strong enough and I watched her fall to her death. *2nd WTFOMFGBBQ moment*

9.05 am. I woke up.

I Want to be a Comician!

Because I can't sleep.

***

We are comic heroes!

Places Look The Same, And We're the Only Difference

Kinda sums up how I feel currently.

A piano acoustic version which I found really soulful. The singing, however, is mediocre. But still worth a listen.

If There's One Thing I've Learnt

Let's just keep things short and sweet.

Oh, and if you have nothing nice to say, just shut the fuck up and have a lolly.

I Want to "Esc-a-pay"

There's something about being 30 000 feet above sea level.

It's an escape from life, but not death.

And that's where I want to be.

For now.

30 000 feet above sea level.

I'm Sorry Too

And despite everything, we remain the best of friends.

Re-experiencing History

History repeats itself because it is allowed the time and space it had forgotten.

Or perhaps, Experience just wasn't a very good teacher.

I Need Distance

I like the distance between us.

I need it...
to breathe easier
to appreciate you better
to love you more than I should
to sometimes forget you
to be able to miss you

I need the distance between us
for you to want to love me

I need the distance between us
for me to know you love me

I need distance from you
to be completely compos mentis

I'm A Dreamer

I dance for laughter,
I dance for tears,
I dance for madness,
I dance for fears,
I dance for hopes,
I dance for screams,
I am the dancer,
I create the dreams.

I'm Okay

These last 2 weeks have been anything but a dream. And no, I do not mean they weren't great. I mean exactly otherwise. Funny how we always assume dreams are perfect, cause they really aren't in reality.

***

I love my life. The reality of it. It's not perfect but I can live with that.

I will never have that perfect family portrait, but I'll be okay.

I will never have that perfect body, so I'll learn to accept what God has given me.

I will never smell the way you smell, and I'm glad I don't so I can appreciate your scent.

I will never be as close to you as I wish I could, but I guess distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I will never be the most feminine person, but I hope people will accept me the way I am.

I will never live the life of others I envy, and I think I'd rather not.

I love my life just the way it is, and I thank God for that.

KL State of Mind

I used to worry about what other people think of me all the time.

But the truth of the matter is, everyone is too busy worrying about the same thing.

Flawed. Unmasked. Imperfect.

I love being awake in the wee hours because the air feels crispier.

I love being awake in the wee hours because the sky looks prettier.

I love being awake in the wee hours because the stars become unashamed.

I love being awake in the wee hours because the atmosphere becomes more mystical.

I love being awake in the wee hours because my heartbeats are more audible.

I love being awake in the wee hours because the peace is imaginable.

I love being awake in the wee hours because the world doesn't know I'm awake.

I love being awake in the wee hours because it's when I can be me.

Filler #3

I decided I am going to make it a habit to blog every day.

1. I'd be making up for lost posts.
2. I'd be honing my writing skills.
3. Maybe even be improving my fast deteriorating English.
4. I'd have something to do.
5. My brain won't atrophy.
6. You know...I'd almost forgotten I had a label called 'Filler Posts'.
7. Which is really convenient now that I've remembered of its existence so I don't have to mull over a title for this post.
8. God, I'm tired already.
9. My brain can't take this!
10. Too. Much. Thinking.
11. I am now brain dead.

Reasons Why I Do Not Belong in the Kitchen

Exhibit A:

Need I say more?

There was this other time when I bought home Pasembur (a Malaysian Indian salad aka Indian rojak) and I spilled half the sauce onto the floor while attempting to get it open. I guess it didn't really matter whether I succeeded in untying the sauce packet when half of it would have gone to waste.

And now I crave for Pasembur.

P/s: In case you were still wondering, those were guava pieces scattered all over the floor. In my defence, the bag broke. (After I'd bounced it up and down really hard while trying to seal it tight with those string things.) So...NOT MY FAULT. Not entirely at least.

The Demise of Me [Foreward]

I left a little part of me behind before I went. I lost a part of me while I was there. I found a part of me to fill the hole, and then I left behind that little bit of me I found.

And then I came home. Not different. Not new. Perhaps renewed. Perhaps even unsure of how to feel. But if there is one thing I am sure about, I think I need a new haircut.

Where am I?

The clock still ticks the same, milo ais still tastes the same, the malls still smell the same. The changing of gears seem more familiar, how can I forget the traffic, even the weather is its usual dreary self. It is almost like waking up from a dream, a 5-month-long dream, and waking up...to life. Everything so familiar, so routine, so synchronize, like clockwork.

But that is where the problem lies. It was not a dream. It was more than that, so much more. It was a dream come true. (God, how cliché can I get.) I was living a dream I dreamed; a dream where hopes were high and life was worth living. (Evidently more cliché than I had expected.) Oh, if you could only imagine.

Do not misjudge me however, I am anything but ungrateful. My family is my home and will forever be in my heart. But is it wrong to yearn for something more, something bigger, something better? Or maybe all this yearning is really just a yearning for escapism. To escape this shit hole I currently feel trapped in. Pinned to the ground with walls enclosing, I break out into cold sweats as claustrophobia gets the better of me. The air thins and I am left gasping, choking, dying. My only armament is the dream I dream, the only one thing holding my head above the water, pushing me to fight for my survival; the only thing keeping my hope afloat.

I clutch that dream tightly in my hand, like clutching a golden ticket to Utopia, afraid of ever letting go, afraid of letting it slip through my fingers. But honestly, I think what I am really afraid of, is letting myself go and never realising that dream. It is a terrible fear to have to bare on one's mind, because like a parasite, that fear leeches on you and sucks the life out of you. You become dry, barren, withered like an empty vessel, devoid of any emotion. You lose sight of who you are, of the things that matter around you, of the beauty in life.

Frustrated, I am quickly losing the plot. Immense pressure is building up as I continually fail to live up to my own expectations. Entrapped in a gas chamber, there I stood, and watched chemical gases fill the chamber. Catching my eye before I lose all consciousness, a pair of eyes looking inward from the outside, staring hard right at me. Eyes so full of disappointment, despondency and dismay. Eyes filled with such bitterness and sadness. Eyes bearing an uncanny resemblance to ones I have seen before. Those eyes...

...they were mine.

Yummy vs. Crummy

There's something really sexy about...

Bruno Mars

Sex appeal, some people have it, while some

...just don't.
David Schwimmer

David Schwimmer-ish kind of guys are always going to be the 'Mr. Nice Guys', the "you're too sweet" guys, the ones girls will always like, and eventually fall for when showered with a generous amount of attention but easily get over, because they realise there never really was an attraction, but merely just an affection.

Dreaming a Life | Living a Dream

Was it all just a dream within a dream?

Or was I simply living out a dream believing it's a reality I want.

Do I really want it?

Or do I only want it cause I like the idea of it?

Either way, it'll still be a reality far better than the one I am currently living.

I think.

I feel.

Maybe.

Who knows.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

~Joni Mitchell

*** ***

I won't lie. I do miss it. Life in the States. Having had a taste of the American Dream, I now crave for it. I want to imagine it. I want to feel it. I want to live it. Every day.

It's funny how perceptions on life are ever changing throughout the course of one's life. I almost thought I found my purpose in life (this is a lie), what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be; but once again, I'm thrown into disarray. Scratching at my head, pulling at my hair, I feel more lost than ever.

I envy 'Them'. 'Them' who already have their career planned out, their whole life plan mapped out...on paper, or a napkin; whichever, I don't care. 'Them' so focused on their objectives. 'Them' so set on their life goals. 'Them'...so 'Them'.

It's depressing at the same time demoralising. Having stepped into adulthood, I cannot help but feel a sense of failure; the failure to achieve anything substantial in the past 21 years of my life. With another God-knows-how-long to live out, I want to live my life feeling a sense of accomplishment. The feeling of giving my best and succeeding. The feeling of knowing what 'gratification' and 'satisfaction' truly mean. I want to live a life I can look back on with no regrets.

I want to know I have lived.

*** ***

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."

~Chuck Palahniuk

From...To...

Fahrenheit

Celsius

Cloudless blue skies

Cloudy grey ones

Yellow cabs

Red and white taxis

5am sun rise

7am sun rise

9pm sun set

7pm sun set

Miles

Km

Cool breeze

Hot air

Subway

LRT

My baby Maddy

My stinky dogs

Beer pong

Osama

Soda

Soft drinks

Walmart

Giant

Napkin

Serviette

Halal food

Mamak food

I'm re-readjusting.

Home Sweet Home

Guess who's back.

I touched down at 7.47am yesterday.

I feel numb. Currently.

The time is 5.43am.

But I don't believe that's the reason.

I'm trying to make my sentences as incoherent as possible.

5 months of non-writing does that to you.

Once in a blue moon postings do not help either.

I think I have succeeded. Writing incoherently, that is.

Getting behind the wheel after 5 months felt great.

Getting cock stared for beating an incompetent driver to a parking lot also felt great.

Yes, I am home sweet home.

When Lust Met Love

Lust wills
and
love kills
***
It's always good in the beginning
until it all falls apart
***
Attraction
Seduction
Temptation
Satisfaction
·
Realisation
Contemplation
Deliberation
Decision
·
In that order.

And then there's the decision to not make one.
The non-decision.

Because either way...

lust wills
and
love kills

Desire

Can you stop craving for something you never needed

...but only wanted?

The Cupid Shuffle

And this is how you do it.

♪ To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right
To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick
Now walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself

Reason for Being

Because I should at least have 1 post a month. And so before March comes to an end...

*** ***

do not stop on tracks
or look between cracks
have your back against the wind
and walk towards the rising of the sun
where dawn breaks
and daylight speaks
your path illuminates
and your raison d'être...

elucidates

Losing My Pen

I
NEED
TO
WRITE
OR
I'M
GONNA
LOSE
IT.

My mind, that is.

Where the City Meets the Sea

If I've learned anything from this,
It would all be gone, it would all be gone
And I will take away your breath.
Just to turn me on, yeah you turn me on

Down where the city meets the sea
I sit and daylight speaks to me
She carries me away
Oh yeah...

I'll find my way
Would fall from grace
With the little piece of you that's left in me

But then it's 1, 2, 3 and you're back to me,
And all the pieces fit together oh so perfectly
Enough to take me home
Just take me home...

If I've learned anything from this,
It would all be gone, it would all be gone
And I will take away your breath.
Just to turn me on, yeah you turn me on.

We'll find our way
We'll leave this place
With the little piece of me that's left in you

But then it's 1, 2, 3 and you're back to me
And if you hear me loud and clear then what's the problem dear?
Why won't you take me home?

If I've learned anything from this,
It would all be gone, it would all be gone
And I will take away your breath.
Just to turn me on, yeah you turn me on.

Down where the city meets the sea
I sit and daylight speaks to me
She carries me away...

Just take me home
Why won't you take me home?

If I've learned anything from this,
It would all be gone, it would all be gone
And I will take away your breath.
Just to turn me on, yeah you turn me on.

Down where the city meets the sea
I sit and daylight speaks to me
She carries me away...

Down where the city meets the sea
I sit and daylight speaks to me
Yeah, daylight speaks to me...

Up and Away

As many would know by now, I am finally in the States! I will do away with prefaces and unnecessary jargon and allow you to dive right into the journal of my life in the US to the A!

29 Dec 09, Wed:

• Had what will probably be my last cup of Milo in a long time on the MAS flight to S'pore. Contented. On top of that, flight was real smooth.
• Arrived in S'pore and killed time by facebooking, tweeting and chatting. Thank God for free WiFi! (Just as I am stealing WiFi now as well. Hee.)
• Nearly missed our flight en route to Tokyo! cause I was fast asleep having had very little sleep the night before and Roz decided to grab a nap at 5am. Note: our boarding time was 5.05am. Flight was at 6am. Typically, she failed to hear her alarm but thankfully I woke up at 5.30am. Unsurprisingly, we were the last two to board.
• Landed in Tokyo in the swiftest of time. Another smooth flight. Pilot was awesome. Sadly, didn't have time to explore Narita Airport as our connecting flight to Detroit was brought forward to 2.20pm (initially, scheduled to depart at 2.40pm). Despite that, we ended taking off at 3pm. FAIL. Mad bumpy flight. Still on it as I write this. I wonder what causes turbulence. [Written on the plane, 9.05pm Tokyo time.]
• Finally landed. Half an hour later than expected arrival. Expected arrival time: 12.40pm. Landed: 1.10pm. By the time we alighted the plane and cleared through customs, it was almost 2pm. Rosanne and I had to declare our food. I had no problem. But Rosanne, she brought 'Bak Kua' which resulted in it getting confiscated. Anyway, our connecting flight to Miami was at 1.40pm and we clearly missed it. They put us on the last and only flight out from Detroit to Miami which wasn't scheduled to leave until 7.30pm. Another 5 hour wait at the airport. And Detroit was so cold. It was -4 degree Celsius when we landed. By evening, I believe it only got colder. I think due to the cold air, I felt really light headed. And my throat was so dry. Perhaps, dehydration from the long flights, although, I did drink plenty of water on the plane. Anyway, Rosanne and I napped to passed time.
• Finally, we boarded the plane and it was snowing outside! Got to see snow but didn't get to touch. Oh well, I don't think I'd want to anyway. The air was freezing cold. Once again, our flight was delayed by 20 minutes or so, and we ended up arriving in Miami at 11pm. Was thankful we were staying with Roz's friend who was so nice to pick us up from the airport. His name is John and was really hospitable. Lent us his calling card. And drove us around. And even lent us the bus card so we could use the public transport.

31 Dec 09, Thurs:

• It's New Year's Eve! John took us to Sawgrass Mills Mall, the 6th largest mall in the States and 2nd largest in Florid. Pretty darn huge indeed. I love the shopping here. Everything is so affordable. But of course, I haven't gone shopping frenzy yet. Only bought 1 shirt thus far. Coach here is cheap. Really cheap. That mall I just mentioned had a Coach factory outlet, however, designs weren't too nice. But I know Naples has a Coach factory outlet too. So will check it out some day. Rosanne and I had Taco Bell for lunch. The taco, the cheese, the sauce, combined to make a sinfully yummy and extremely fattening meal.
• Next stop was Adventura Mall. The malls here are just as great as the ones in M'sia if not better! John just dropped us off as he had to rush off to work after that.
• We were so dead beat though, having slept only at 5am the previous day. We walked about the mall looking like zombies. But our spirits were lifted slightly when we came across The Cheesecake Factory. Had their 30th Anniversary cake, which was mainly chocolate cheesecake. So delicious, I know my mum will surely love it! They only specialise in cheese cakes, hence the name. Despite sharing just 1 slice, Roz and I still couldn't finish the cake. Too satiated. Bluek.
• When 5.30pm came around, we caught the public bus to head down to South Beach to celebrate NYE. I was so worn out, I fell asleep on the bus. It was a 1 hour bus ride. Mad long. it was cramped, dirty and uncomfortable. Ugh.
• By the time we reached South Beach, the sun had set. We proceeded to walk the whole stretch of Lincoln Road. Very happening place. Plenty of eateries lined the street, mainly Italian food. Uber tempting but alas, they were kinda pricey so we steered away from them. The place reminds me of Clark Quay in S'pore.
• It was reaching 10pm when we decided to walk down to Ocean Drive to count down cause we were told that's where we could catch fireworks.
• Upon reaching, we knew Ocean Dr. was definitely the place to be. Practically, half of Miami's population were there. Every other road leading to Ocean Dr. was blocked so the whole Ocean Drive road was swamped by people. Once again, restaurants lined the road and extended their tables out onto the roadside. Every restaurant was packed. Every restaurant was loud. Every restaurant was colourfully lit.
• We sat by the wall divider of the beach to rest as we had grown weary from all the walking, while waiting for time to pass. But an hour before midnight, Roz wanted to leave. I could tell she was dead tired, so I agreed to head as I too was feeling the lethargy. We reached a bus stop and a handicapped gave us the heads-up on which bus to take.
• 15-20 minutes passed, and still no bus in sight. The time was almost 11.40pm now and Roz changed her mind and decided to just stay back for the fireworks. After all, it was only 20 minutes more and we had already waited the whole evening. So what's another 20 minutes right? We bought ourselves a can of Budweiser each and headed back to the beach on Ocean Drive.
• Witnessed one of the most spectacular display of fireworks. It was right smacked in our faces. It was certainly beautiful, standing on the beach looking out into the ocean with explosions in the sky. Happy New Year from Miami! =)
• As the display of explosions ended, 3 semi-drunk guys came up to us, made small talk and tried to sweet talk us into going partying with them. Evidently, people in America have very loose morals. Quite unsightly actually. So anyway, I brushed them off and proceeded to walk back to the bus stop. After standing there for a good 10 minutes, I realised the bus we were supposed to catch does not pass by that bus stop anymore. So we had to walk back to Lincoln Street, back to the bus stop from where we got down.
• After walking at least 3 blocks, we found out we were walking in the wrong direction and a group of locals helped point us back to the right direction. About a mile's walk or so. Did so much walking. But the weather was lovely, so you don't sweat and it doesn't feel all that tiring.
• Finally, we found our way back onto Lincoln Road, and waited by the bus stop among a sea of people. It was almost a 20-minute bus wait. The only comfort I got from waiting was knowing there was a huge crowd waiting with us cause it seemed as though the bus was never going to come. So we finally managed to board the bus at 2.20am and it was packed like a can of sardines. Had to stand throughout the majority of the bus ride.
• Again, another 1 hour ride back up to North Miami. Sigh. Tiring indeed. We got down at a bus stop on 170th street of North Miami and waited for about 10 minutes for John (Roz's friend) to pick us up. It was already 3.20am by then. Got home and washed up and had Maggi Mee for supper. Rosanne cooked. Hee.
  

1 Jan 10, Fri

• Woke up by 10am to repack our bags. John dropped us off early at the Greyhound bus station to collect our bus ticket cause he had to go off to work . We thanked him and had to spend 2 hours waiting. So thus far, I've done lots of walking, and lots of waiting but only one helps me burn off the fats. Bus journey was about 3 hours though I didn't really feel it cause I managed to sleep the whole way through.
• We arrived as scheduled, 5.05pm and one of the girls gave the person who was supposed to come pick us up a call. We found out we had to wait about an hour. It was drizzling slightly, and the wind was blowing. It was just mad freezing cold! Roz & I decided to walk over to the next building and found a pizza deli. Went in to have a bite to get out of the cold while the other girls decided to weather it out. 1.5 hours passed, and the girls finally gave in and came into the deli and sat down after calling back the guy and finding out they had to wait yet another 20 minutes. Hah.
• So we were finally picked up at 7.30pm and we were dropped off at our apartment. A gated community. Couldn't really see much cause it was dark. But I am currently now typing this from my room, having being able to leech WiFi. The apartment is nice, cosy and spacious. However, the place is so new, the light bulbs haven't even been installed. They had to bring us lamps which we had to set up ourselves. Pfft. On top of that, we were only given a mattress, with no blanket, no pillow, no bed sheet, no nothing. HEEH. Don't know how I'm suppose to sleep tonight, but I guess I'll just have to rough it out. Heating is available but we're trying not to use it cause they only cover USD150 for electricity bills and USD75 for water bills. So yeah. That's all my updates thus far. [Written 1.09am US Eastern Time on Jan 2.]