Post-X'mas

I was watching 'People Like Us' on my laptop in my room when my door swung opened and a bright light came bursting through—the same feeling you get when you wake up slightly past morning and draw the curtains to let some light in. Turns out it was just my mum holding a striking neon green laptop sleeve in one hand coming to get my opinion on whether I too thought it was a great buy.

"Well I hoped you didn't pay more than RM5 for it."

She paid exactly RM5.

Thank God.

I'm sad X'mas is over and watching a movie that just made me bawl doesn't help either. Nonetheless, it was a good movie with a good soundtrack. But I tend to be bias towards any movie Michelle Pfeiffer stars in and towards any movie that makes me cry. Yes, I love movies that make me weep buckets. It's therapeutic. And so is writing in the wee hours of the morning, wondering what my life will be in the years to come.

Anyway, a song to end the night and put my tired mind to rest.

For As Long As We Shall Live

I hate how easily I forgive you

Cause I can't despise you

But I only wished you knew

The disappointment I was left to feel

Oh if only you knew...

In spite of everything

We remain the best of friends

Cause you're the only one who understands

Me at my best and me at my worst

We're the same and yet so different

But in each other we've found contentment

And on each other we became dependent

We chose each other

To have and to hold

To love and to cherish

21 May 2011

I find it odd that people are so intent on predicting the finals day of Earth.

So knowing your expiry date may push you to try and achieve some of the tasks on your bucket list, but if you're not already living now, it's hardly going to make a difference. I even think it's sad that one would need to induce fear to start living one's life.

PAUSE. TAKE A BREATHER. THINK. PLAY.

Stop dwelling, start living.
Stop reminiscing, start living.
Stop dreaming, start living.
Stop remembering, start living.

Because life begins when you start living.

I wrote this last year, on the day that everyone said the world will end. 1 year and 5 months later, the world is still here and so are we.

So live.

Live your LIFE.

Live it LIVE.

BLANK.

Oh it's insufferable to be me.

I feel and I wished I didn't.

But I think I'm learning to get there. To a place where emotions don't exist. Silent. Peaceful. Empty.

Emotions are messy. Messy like the first kill of an inexperienced serial murderer. But that's what my room currently looks like. Or has always been. I guess my emotions need an outlet.

I hate the pain and every feeling that comes with it. The tears, the nerve, the pinch, the melancholy.

I'm growing tired of fighting this battle—this battle of emotions. It's draining.

I'm drained.

Left to feel nothing but the thoughts inside my head; which are mostly unhealthy and which I shouldn't be feeding. And yet here I am, breeding my thoughts like the mating season of dolphins. I don't even know when that is.

But I think I will go find out. Seems like useful knowledge to have that can serve as an aphrodisiac.

Lunch Time is NOT a Time Goddamnit

Is this the Life I Once Had?

Because I've missed this.

This part of my life.

My life that was once balanced.

'Balance' is now a distant stranger.

A distant stranger whom I once knew.

I once knew peace.

Peace is the wee hours.

The wee hours were when I loved to write.

No, I love to write.

To write, is what I've missed.

I've missed this.

This life I once had.