We Were From Another Summer

Friendship shouldn't be this vicious, or revengeful.

Cold, like an early winter.

Why does selfishness prevail over selflessness?

Emotion over common sense?

Friendship should know not exclusion nor division.

It shouldn't feel this empty...

like a loveless marriage.

Your action and behaviour are met by sorrow and revulsion. I'm dazed and astounded by your altruistic ways and your conspicuous partiality. It is clear that your words are rubbish and like everybody else, you are a hypocrite.

Why do the nice people only appear nice until they are not??

Disappointed to say the least, but where do we go from here?

Move on or away?

Accept it or leave it?

Do I dare put an expiry date on this friendship?

Or are we already running on borrowed time?

Dejected & dispirited.

An apology would seem like a long shot. But these days, I expect nothing from you as you've made it clear that you're no longer dependable.

A close friend was what I once thought of you as. Now, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure of anything at all.

P/s: Where did our summer go?

For Simply Existing

I haven't been updating my blog, but it is with good reason.

I haven't been inspired.

***

Life, which I have imagined to be a cup of vanilla ice cream with chunks of Oreo cookie, and semisweet chocolate chip cookie dough, and pecan nuts, with a twirl of caramel. Life, which I have pictured to be deck chairs lying on a beach, on an endless stretch of white smooth sand, looking out into a sea of clear blue waters, with gentle waves beating the shore at rhythmic intervals. Life, which I have thought so beautiful, has not been a pretty picture of late. No, it isn't my own life, but rather, the life of others around me, which I am fortunately, or unfortunately apart of; the life of others around me that have painted clouds of grey and waves of violence on my picture of Life. My Life. Tainted.

I have come to conclude, after careful observation, that people (Perhaps I am being too general. And perhaps, even a little too kind.) of late of our generation of my generation have pretty loose moral values, or none of them. A dreadful living society my generation has become. Tragic, to be more precise. It is a living society that is filthy and unhealthy. A living society that I am disgusted of and revolted by, for haplessly being in its presence; for ill-fatedly existing in this lifetime. Oh, fml.

Being a Christian once before, it would be so easy to blame the institution of the church, or religion in general, for the "deterioration" of people, especially having had a personal encounter with one of those people before. A personal encounter that struck a chord, deep within my core. It is them I blame for my lost of faith in Christianity. Them, who attend church and still find it in themselves to commit acts of loose morals. Them, who attend church only to tarnish its reputation it has spent an eternity building. Them, are people not fit to be called humans. I am harsh and yet I am no saint. But at least, I do not disguise the fact that I am not one for I am not a hypocrite.

And I would hate to have to ever meet one of them ever again.

Or maybe, just maybe, I already am in the presence of them for simply, just simply...existing.

At You I Sigh

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all that we will know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh.
~William Butler Yeats

Fight Club

Am I suppose to fight the fight?

After all, how much can I know about myself if I've never been in a fight?

ELIMINATE

Do me a favour and push your own button.

Shakeable Foundation

I can't remember when it started,
or how it started or even why.
But it is now too obvious to remain oblivious,
or to even stay in denial.

'It' has been shaken, not stirred.
Shaken.

The space between us is filled
with cold air and awkwardness.

This was not what I foresaw.
This was not what I expected.
This was not what I intended.

But this is perhaps the final straw,
for it is time for me to quit hoping and just
...let go.

Cliché Much?

I can't do it. Not the second time around. So this is my temporary goodbye to you; and my apology. Because it's not you, it's me. JOMG. How cliché is that? But it's true. Heh.

Lost in Comprehension

To you & you

It's 4:05 in the morning and I can't sleep because of the conversation interrogation that took place two days ago. I'm only human and it will take me days or weeks perhaps before I get over it.

I am still embroiled in rage although I may not outwardly express it. The second part of your interrogation was absolutely uncalled-for and it threw me off guard. I was completely blind-sided and up to this point cannot fathom the reason for the need of both of you to question me that way.

To judge me on the few incidents you both were not accustomed to seeing was hurtful, to say the least. I still believe you both blew things entirely out of proportion and questioned my behaviour in the most inappropriate way.

Both of you put me in a vulnerable state and that was mean-spirited and unkind. I felt under attacked, disparaged and victimised. How could you both possibly do something like that and especially when one of you have been in the same position you just placed me in before??

Comprehension escapes me.

I could try and understand that you both did it with my best interest at heart, but the way things were carried out, your true intentions clearly did not show. God gave you both a brain each. So please, think before you speak. I know that both of you are smokers, but I don't believe the cloud of smoke that hovered around you both had anything to do with the incapability of your brains to function that day.

Pull off another stunt like this and I can assure you I would not let it slide so easily, nor would I be so forgiving. As a matter of fact, I am still awaiting an apology from one of you, and it had better be soon before my hostility towards you is aroused.

My patience is wearing thin and annoyance is starting to build up in me.

Yours truly,
J.

p/s: I trust you both to understand that my anger is beyond justified.

Suddenly I See

The post time could not have been more ironic.

* * *

I just experienced an epiphany.

It has dawned upon me that we can't be friends.

After all the time spent mulling over possibilities, it is all so clear now.

The light has made it impossible to ignore the manifestation of circumstances.

I should have listened to my little grey cells priorly.

It should have hit me sooner.

Because honestly,

we should have been friends first before we were almost lovers.

Perhaps time will come and blow things over.

But until that time arrives, I really can't be your friend.

It is just too unfair...

...on me.

Unsatisfied

I think I still hold a justified amount of resentment towards you.

There was never closure between us.

And at this point, I'm not sure if I want it.

Though I feel I need it.

But I won't ask for it.

So why don't you just give it?

p/s: How could you possibly forgive yourself when I haven't forgiven you?

I Dreamed a Dream

Ever had one of those dreams you wished you would never wake up from?

I just did.

***

But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I Don't Care

Or at least I don't want to. But who am I kidding if not only myself.

Your smell I don't want to forget and the after-taste of your spit still lingers.

Thinking of you still makes me smile and I'm not sure if that's healthy for me. Although, it might still be healthier than smoking but that's beside the point.

I might still miss you too, only in tinier pieces.

I guess you'll always just be one of those people I want but cannot have.

Et c'est la vie.

The Last Lecture

...is a New York Times best-selling book written by Randy Pausch, a professor of computer science, human-computer interaction and design at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States. (Source: Wikipedia, the free encylopedia.)

One of the valuable life lessons I learnt from reading that book was how to make a good apology, of which there are 3 parts.

1. I'm sorry.
2. It was my fault.
3. How do I make it right.
   

Most people naturally neglect the third part as I've come to realise of late, and it is actually the more significant part of the three as it demonstrates sincerity. I do believe there is a big difference between a "seriously" and a "sincerely".

Alas, if there was one thing someone has taught me well in recent years is to not care. I never thought I would actually have something to thank you for in my life, maybe aside from contributing to my existence for which I can't even say I'm truly grateful for. But nonetheless, thank you. =)

p/s: Sometimes I wish I could feel again.

Is It Too Late To Get Off?

[Inspired by Janoz's 'Twenty Years Later' entry.]

I can't probably say the same things as you, Jan.

Not at this point in my life;

Where the ground below me seems so shaky.

1 year, 5 months and 3 weeks later...

I find myself at a similar crossroad where I once was

...8 months ago.

1 year, 5 months and 3 weeks later...

I realise I've been riding on the wrong track.

Clueless about where I'm heading.

Clueless about what I'm doing.

Clueless.

Yet I know I'm on the wrong track.

Riding one that goes against my passion.

My joy.

My personality.

Myself.

I am unhappy.

But is it all too late?

Too late to rectify the past?

To correct my decisions?

I am miserable.

Will I still be, twenty years later?

brokeNiNside

When you've fallen the hardest,

cut the deepest,

cried the longest,

and then realise,

emptiness.

Emptiness in the heart;

emotionally detached from all entanglement

is when I sometimes feel,

truly liberated.

Holding Up

I'll try to be happy for you...

but the only way I can is to not care.

And so I won't.

p/s: I don't know how long I can.

Taking The Plunge

The absence of light in my room paints an abyss.

Nyctophobic yet I am not in fear.

I am numb.

Confused.

Unable to understand the way I feel.

I need a shrink.

Desperately.

"Somebody save me."

To The Friends I Hold Dear

Grant me this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude to each and every one of you.

To be surrounded by your company,

To be assured of your support,

To be touched by your friendship,

I am blessed.

How could I ever ask for more?

Having you, my dear friends, in my life, uplifts my spirit,

To get me through my darkest days.

I am clinging on to all hope,

And I will pray, with all my heart,

That we never will part.

I love you, all.

p/s: So far, we are...still close.

The Joke Was On Me

I'm shocked. Stunned. Speechless.

How fickle can your mind get, you filthy lying bastard!

My gosh, from 'good friend' to 'replacement'.

You played me well.

Mthrfckr.

Dysfcuktional

I had a shitty day yesterday...which has carried over to today.

*** ***

Lately, I often find myself seated in front of my lappie, questioning my purpose in life. A scenario I still haven't gotten quite comfortable with, despite the far-too-frequent occurrence of it.

Over the past weeks, or maybe months, I seemed to have strayed from my 'route' in life. Then again, I can not even be certain if I was ever on the right one to begin with. I suddenly feel my life has hit an all-time low this year, to a point where I feel like giving up. Giving up on the decisions I have made. Giving up on the things I had committed myself to. Giving up on the things I once felt so passionately about. And perhaps, giving up on myself.

My life is in turmoil. I am on the verge of a breakdown. And I know for a fact that I am too young to be going through a mid-life crisis. Or maybe, the age period for a mid-life crisis is getting lower. But at 18?? That's far too low, no?

I am lost. Combing the forest with no compass. Worn out and mentally drained. Getting bogged down by all these questions in my head; more than enough to drown myself; unable to see the forest for the trees.

God, please just give me a break!